awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
