Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
