Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
