i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
