Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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