What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
