Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
