So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
