Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
