Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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