I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
