Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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