We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
