So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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