I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
