You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
