At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
