Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i think i just lost a toe
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
