If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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