thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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