i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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