I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
