So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
