When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
