Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
