That's when you crack a 10am beer
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
