my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
