you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
