please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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