The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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