You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
