Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
