My cat gives me a boner
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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