All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
