So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
