I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
