I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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