So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
