I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
