I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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