I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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