I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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