I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
