So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
