I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
