I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
