why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
