The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
