Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
