textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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