yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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